1 - To Fly, Or Not To Fly?

When I was 17 I joined the United States Air Force. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Being in the military is a lifestyle, a family. The only thing I ever hear out of people's mouths these days when I mention the USAF or they see the badges on my vehicle, or something I'm wearing that has the emblem is Iraq, the war, all the deaths, and how fed up they are with the Government. Occasionally, I get a thank you. So thank you, to those of you who realize I'm not the one who made you feel the way you do, who show their appreciation and take 2 seconds of their time to say Thank You. I don't want to talk about the war, I don't want to talk about President Bush or how you feel about certain political issues. I hear enough of that.

I want to focus on what it means to me, and my life.

As I was saying, joining the Air Force was one of the best decisions I ever made. You learn strength, honor, respect, self-confidence, wisdom and an education that public schools can't teach you, and most colleges make virtually unaffordable. It teaches you the true meaning to "Giving something back to your country." I learned self respect, I learned that when I have to run those 13 miles for the PFT and I feel like I can't make it past the 10th mile, to keep going...
Because it's 90% mental and 10% physical. Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

As for it's lifestyle... It's a guaranteed job. A guaranteed paycheck. No one fires you. You don't get laid off. They pay you to live off base, in most cases my rent was completely covered, and sometimes even some left over for utilities. If you get married, they give you even more money to your check, for housing. And the same if you have kids. They take care of you, give you medical, dental, money to put you through a college or university. And the benefits cover your wife/husband and kids as well. Life was basically handed to you, it was the easiest thing in the world. Is it all perks? Hell no. You work your ass off everyday, sometimes 12-16 hour days. They need you to come to work, but it's Saturday... too bad. Occasionally, we get a "96" or sometimes a "72." Which means 3 or 4 days to do whatever. You go to work on the first day off long enough to check out, do whatever the hell you want for 3-4 days (except leave the country) and then on the 3rd or 4th day you come back into work to check in. Regular work hours resume the following morning. As for vacation, it works pretty much like any corporate business. We get 2 1/2 days accumulated per month. If you want to take time off, you put in papers for it, just like in the civilian world. It gets approved, and you can fly home to see your family if they're not close to where you're based. Take a vacation to Hawai'i with your spouse.



Anyway, what I'm getting at here (and no it's not to recruit people or make the military look like a pot of gold) is that it made me happy. I was a hell of a lot less stressed, I was a lot more stable, and I felt like I was actually going somewhere in life.

Wondering why all of that is in past tense? Bad series of events... I shattered my ankle. 5 surgeries, a titanium rod, metal plates and a handful of screws later, and my doctor decided I "wasn't fit for the military" anymore. At first I agreed. I could barely walk, never mind run. My job was extremely demanding; clearing houses, extensive running, and a lot of jumping off of walls or rooftops, and I knew I'd never do it with my bum leg. Coming up on 2 years since it happened now. I run everyday, I don't limp anymore, and I still set off metal detectors ;) And while jumping off of walls still doesn't feel good at all, what's the worst that can happen? I doubt I'll be shattering titanium. I feel like I'm ready to go back.



Here's the problem:

I've been living a civilian lifestyle for almost 2 years... That alone will make you second guess the military, which is probably why they brainwash kids at such a young age to sign a contract (Don't tell my staff sergeant I just said that). Another big thing keeping me from marching down there right now, my Mom. I told you about how she's sick. While we don't expect her to leave us anytime soon, not even the next few years (hopefully), she still needs me around. We live in different places but I still do her grocery shopping, take her to her doctor's visits, call her on the days I can't physically keep her company. She doesn't ask me not to go, but she certainly voices her opinion about the military and going overseas. As an ex military wife I can certainly understand why she might feel that way... She put up with a lot when her and my father were together.



So the problem here is that I want to go, on most days. But I would never forgive myself if I went, and something happened to my Mom and I couldn't be there for her. My little sister goes to school nearby and goes home on weekends and vacations. My mom's boyfriend lives at home with her too, so it's not like I'd be leaving her completely deserted... And at the same time, if the doctors are telling her she can expect to live a long while, I can't keep holding myself back from life decisions. I didn't go to school out of state because I was afraid to leave my mom. And let me tell you, the schools here in Rhode Island... Not very impressive. Unless you like a huge distraction from your schoolwork at all times because it's one huge party.

And as a side note... If I did sign another contract, I've also thought about whether I would stay with the Air Force. I probably will, but I've considered the Marine Corps; Military Police. It's hard to explain why. The majority of my military friends are Marines, because my father was, so maybe I just like the idea of being posted on a base I actually know people. The pay isn't as good and as far as I'm concerned they're not as organized. Their deployments overseas last longer... But there's just something about it I guess.



Anyway, my question here is: Should I go back? Is it okay to leave my Mom?